Divorce, The Ex

What To Do When Your Ex Wants You Back

So, you think your ex wants to get back together with you. If you aren’t 100% sure, here are a couple signs that the might be interested in rekindling a broken relationship.

  • They are trying to be positive and kind
  • They are talking and focusing on the good memories of your relationship
  • They are staying in very frequent contact
  • They are making it difficult for you to get your possessions from them
  • The are improving areas of their life that caused the relationship to end
  • They are hiding their dating life from you

If you have the suspicion that your ex might want to get back together, your best bet is to go ahead and ask them if that’s the case. In sticky situations such as separation and divorce, it’s best to be as clear and as straightforward as possible.

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Then, if they tell you they are interested in getting back together, you’ll need to ask yourself what to do when your ex wants you back. Try and take a moment and thoroughly examine what ended the relationship, what’s best for both of you, and what would need to change. Be sure to reach out to friends and family who might have a clearer perspective on the situation. It is hard to see things clearly when your emotions are involved and you’ll need the extra support.

Or perhaps you aren’t interested in getting back with your at all. If this is the case, skip ahead to the section on what to do if you are NOT interested in getting back together with with your ex.

If you are interested in getting back together with your ex

1. Ask yourself these questions.

First, examine the things that ended your relationship. Here are a couple questions you should ask yourself:

  • How will this time be any different?
  • Were the problems and issues chronic?
  • Are they working on improving themselves?
  • What are some signs that they are working on the issues we had in the past?
  • Am I ready?
  • Why would you want to reunite?
  • Are you capable of forgiving them?
  • Are they capable of forgiving you?

2. Be 100% sure they are capable of getting back together.

If after answering these questions you come to the conclusion that you do want to try and mend things with your ex, then you should examine what you both need to work on to make a relationship possible.

3. Be friends first.

No matter what promises you or your ex might make to one another for the sake of saving your relationship, you reached a very serious breaking point and will need time to heal. A lot of trust needs to be rebuilt and time is your best ally. Don’t rush back into your relationship, you will probably cause more harm than good, instead take your time and be friends first.

4. Seek counseling.

You are likely embarking on a long and difficult journey by choosing to get back together with you ex, but sometimes these difficult times can lead to a beautiful relationship. Seek the help of a professional.

Maybe you already know that getting back together is not an option. If that’s the case and your ex is trying to get back together with you, here are some suggestions on how to handle the situation.

If you are NOT interested in getting back together with your ex

1. Ask them to minimize contact with you.

Whether they are outwardly asking you to reconsider or doing things that suggest they may be interested in getting back together it is probably a good idea to keep all contact to a minimum. This can be hard because this person was probably who you communicated with the most in your daily life. Reducing this contact can leave a feeling of void. Try to fill this space and time with family and friends – be honest and let those around you know that you need support.

2. Stand your ground.

Too often we ask for contact to be kept to a minimum but in moments of weakness, we don’t respect this boundary ourselves. It can be almost a reflex to call or text your ex, instead try and replace that with someone else’s contact information. It may sound silly but I would text a girlfriend things I wanted to text my ex to prevent myself from backsliding into relationship-like behavior.

3. Ask them to consider everything that got you here.

Sometimes loneliness can make us forget the bad times or negatives aspects of a relationship that made up breakup or get divorced. Ask your ex to take a thorough inventory of everything that got you to that moment in time. And be sure to do the same yourself.

4. Write them a letter.

Writing a letter can sometimes leave a longer lasting impression than talking. It allows you a form of communication that can be more concise and rational. Breakups and divorce are extremely emotional and it can be very difficult to keep a respectful tone while explaining your point of view. Often times negative tones can cause the listener to completely check out, and then your opinion isn’t heard – letters allow you to carefully outline your thoughts.

5. Reach out to friends or family.

These hard times are truly what friends and family are for. Sometimes people think they are being a burden by reaching out for help but more often those you reach out to will be happy to help. It can strengthen understanding and bonds with your friends and family. Also, it will make them feel more comfortable asking for your help in the future. Asking for help and support is part of the beautiful cycle of reciprocity.

Breakups, separation, and divorce are some of the most difficult things we experience in our life, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. In addition to friends and family, there are now communities and forums online specifically available for support during these difficult periods of time. To make this process as easy on yourself as possible, utilize all tools and resources available to you – reach out.

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Sarah Hughes is a freelance writer and co-creator of The Sex Talk podcast and blog. She is also a divorced mother and step-daughter and decided to take actions and help others here at Smart Divorce Network.

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