Denise Montville is a single mother who wears many hats. As a lifelong New Englander she is an avid New England Patriots fan who is a photographer, writer, and C.N.A.
For children, divorce can actually be very stressful and confusing. No matter what the child’s age, he or she will feel the pain when mom and dad are separating. As a parent, there is a way you can make the process less stressful for your loved ones. This article explores and offers advice in regard to children and divorce.
To make sure your kids cope with the stress, you must keep on attending to their needs. This is the only way to keep stability in your home. Explored in this article are some vital tips regarding children and divorce. For example you may want to know what is the right kind of support, or what do you tell your kids? These are some questions I had when I was going through my divorce and will give you my suggestions based on my experience.
The Right Support
As a caring parent, it is good to give your kids the right support through your divorce. In fact you may divorce your partner, but your children will still feel loved, confident and strong at times. But then there will be those times when your child may not be confident and strong, and will need support to help them through the day.
There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to divorce. Your actions, patience, and reassurance can take the stress out of your children. Assure your kids that you are always there for them. In short, you can reduce the stress in your children by making their well-being your top priority.
Things Children Need from their Parents
- They want both of their parents to always be concerned about their lives. Keep on making phone calls, writing letters, and asking them questions in order to show concern. This will make them know they are not forgotten at all. This also makes them feel important, loved, and cherished, which is important for all kids.
- They do not want to see you fighting with each other. Instead, you should work together towards helping them have a bright future. Even if you differ on some issues, you should always agree on matters related to children. Remember whenever you fight, children feel they did something wrong and this makes them feel guilty.
- Both of you should offer equal love to your children. Support them so that they grow loving both of you.
- When talking about your partner, always talk about good things about him or her. Do not let the children grow knowing that there are misunderstandings between you and your partner. If you really hate your partner too much, you better avoid talking about him or her in the presence of your kids.
What to Tell Your Kids
Most parents freeze when it comes to touching on matters related to children and divorce. Try to make the conversation a little easier. You should prepare and practice in advance before you sit down with your children to discuss anything related to divorce.
What to Say
Always use an empathetic tone and address the most vital aspects upfront
- Always tell the truth. Your children may want to know why you divorced. Remember deep reasons may confuse them. So, consider using simple terms like, “we can’t get along anymore.” Assure your children that even the divorce happened, both parents will never stop loving them.
- Assure your kids that you will love them forever. Let your children know that your love towards them has not changed since separation and never will.
Give reassurance and love
Kids have the ability to heal if given the support and love they need. Your actions, words and ability to remain consistent will reunite your family. This is indeed the best advice regarding children and divorce.
Nobody ever expects to go through a divorce. Most people assume the day they say their “I do’s” means for life, not just for a time. Divorce is painful and hard, regardless of whether you are the one who initiated it or not. Some people may be happy they are getting divorced, but the process is still difficult, and even more difficult if children are involved. Millions of people have survived divorce, and you can too.
One of the first things to remember is that bad-mouthing the other person is not beneficial to anyone involved. Do your best to be the bigger person and try to only speak about actual facts, not feelings. This can be an extremely difficult task if the other person is bad-mouthing you. Remember to never, under any circumstances drag the children into the bad-mouthing. Kids are like a sponge and they absorb it all, don’t give them any additional emotional stress to deal with; their parents divorcing is enough without talking bad about the other parent.
Take the time to look within yourself and take responsibility for your part in the divorce. Even if it was something as simple as allowing the other person to shock you by asking for a divorce, forgive yourself and forgive them. You can’t move forward with your life if you are holding on to grudges. Let go so you can move forward.
Get reacquainted with yourself. At one point in your life you had things or hobbies you loved, and most times those things get pushed aside once you become a couple because there isn’t enough time for everything and sacrifices get made. Try out new hobbies or things you’ve always wanted to do, but were never able to. Finding something that you are passionate about will help you focus on positive things instead of the negativity of divorce.
Whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself. Divorce is difficult and a lot of times friends and family members choose “sides”. Isolating yourself is just going to make it that much more difficult to get past the pain and anger you may be feeling. Pick yourself up and go out. Go for a cup of coffee with a friend, go for a walk, join a meet up group of people with similar interests. If you make the effort to get out, the focus is not on the divorce but on other things that make you happy.
Don’t go jumping into a new relationship. Learn to be you. Learn to be happy alone so that you can eventually look for another mate. You don’t need another person to complete you so learn to love yourself first. Take things one at a time, day by day. Surviving divorce is difficult, but it is not impossible. Keep a positive attitude and you will get through it.